On the afternoon of Saturday, June
4th, I had the chance to know a friend I had never met before. Unfortunately, we finally became
acquainted when it came time to perform a eulogy at his funeral. I did not have a chance to know him or
help when he needed the most support.
It is no secret in his community
or on his mother’s blog that James Ryo Kiyan’s death was self-inflicted. I did not press for specific details,
but will only say that he went off into the woods in the Shenandoah Mountains. If there is anything comforting to say
about this situation…Ryo made this decision while surrounded by the beauty of
nature. He felt safe in a world
unfettered by the misunderstandings and irrational fear that often comes from
living on the autism spectrum.
I remarked in my eulogy that Ryo
was a man who did not receive too many breaks during his brief life, but did
the absolute best with his challenges.
There were plenty of unfortunate circumstances contributing toward his
decision to give up forever and damage the souls of those who care about
him. But there was one in
particular that probably did the worst damage.
Navigating the world with
Asperger’s syndrome is like walking on eggshells laced with poison. Those with the “mildest” form of the
condition face the most severe challenges because people don’t identify them as
having a disability. Therefore,
the uneducated often react with contempt and/or irrational fear. It also does not help that these incredible
individuals lack the awareness of social boundaries in almost every single environment. It never gets easier. And it never will get easier…ever. The only thing that gets easier is the
fear of consequences after having faced them again and again. Or overanalyzing behavior to figure out
how to give oneself a fighting chance.
I have learned how to “back off” in reasonable increments of time to
walk the fine line of benign persistence and full-blown stalking. In my opinion, I also have the right to
send elaborate birthday cards to obscure acquaintances because I mean
well. But after a few terrible
experiences I have started writing at the end of the card, “I have Asperger’s
syndrome and sending cards to acquaintances is how I choose to communicate with
people. If this makes you uncomfortable
then that is fine. But I really
have to hear it from you.” I am
unable to let go or change my flamboyant eccentricities. I am able to compromise and
occasionally compromise on the original compromise. Maybe if Ryo had learned some of these strategies then he
would have had more of a chance to survive. We sat in those pews knowing it could have been different.
Ryo developed a strong
infatuation with one of his attractive, single coworkers at the Sullivan County
Division of Planning & Environmental Management. They even spent time having lunch at an Inn and relaxed in
her apartment. Even with
Asperger’s syndrome, Ryo probably understood this connection would probably not
graduate to a romantic one. But he
wanted to hang on for dear life to the morsel of friendship that did
exist. The woman just wanted to
keep things professional and the innocuous crush felt perturbing.
The inability to let go can
function as both an invaluable asset and ultimate destructor. In my eulogy, I mentioned, “When
something was broken…Ryo wanted to fix it.” He wanted to fix the misunderstandings and show the woman
there was nothing to fear. The
harder he pushed…the more fiercely she pushed away. Ryo also suffered from cancer, which drained whatever energy
he had left. His essence will live
on in our crusade for mercy and common sense.
It pleases me that everyone
enjoyed the eulogy and I had a wonderful day with his incredible family. I hope this is the final eulogy I’ll
ever have to give at this type of funeral. Please check out the blog of Ryo’s mother, Caroline Crane
via the link: http://carolinecrane.wordpress.com/ I won’t let this go and
neither should you as we dignify Ryo’s unfortunate choice with action.
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