Awkward…struggled to have a conversation…extremely
intelligent…very few friends…loved to play video games…prone to temper
tantrums. Murdered twenty gimlet-eyed,
innocent children for no reason along with six, unarmed women. I have everything in common with the gunman
except for the last sentence, of course.
Nobody wants to admit they have even one thing in common with a mass murderer,
but it is important to admit to bitter honesty.
If that last sentence of carnage were taken out of his description then
I would immediately come to the conclusion that this 20-year-old man also has
Asperger’s syndrome.
I knew this day was coming and just was not prepared for the
magnitude of monstrosity. All sorts of
people from all walks of life commit mass murders and other atrocities. Evil is not confined to specific religions,
ethnicities, or abilities. Eventually
there would be someone who is posthumously revealed to have had Asperger’s or
waves his diagnosis around the courtroom like a white flag in a vain attempt to
shave off a death sentence from his lifetime behind bars.
Like the gunman, I used to live a life of solitude and the
only friends I had were ones set up by forced play dates on behalf of my
mother. During “Free Time” at Hillcroft
Day Camp, I often preferred to be by myself peeling bark off of dead twigs or
doing other weird activities. My
adolescence and early adulthood were often quite sad. The lack of self-control and inability to
filter inappropriate comments cost me two careers in Human Service as well as
Teaching. There were moments of profound
rage during this period of stasis and career impotency. I was angry because of my own inadequacies
and society was not allowing me to earn my life back despite steady
progress. The periods of hopelessness
and rage continued as life seemed like it was showing little mercy. But during this time, I always maintained my
humanity and that is the whole point.
Adam Lanza may have had a very sad life and never received too many of
the breaks that most people enjoy at least once in a while. But he was also not human. He may have been human at one point in his
life, but lost any kind of respect for human life when he chose to enter that
elementary school classroom.
I mourn for the victims of Newtown, CT and am also scared
for my fellow peers who live with Asperger’s.
There are definitely people who show compassion and know that Adam Lanza
does
not represent someone on the autism spectrum. But other people will be swayed only by their
fight-or-flight response and will not want to take a chance. For the past seven years, I have been
struggling to return to the field of education after a rough start. I cannot help fearing how this is going to
affect my journey as a member of a already-misunderstood and vilified
population. The gunman will create fear
after his cowardly act and death that we must confront right now.
This is a time of action and the autism community will join
the rest of society in helping the people of Newtown, CT heal after these
unspeakable horrors. But they should
also not be shy about advocating for themselves or letting the gunman’s legacy
dictate fear for the rest of society.
Last Monday, December 17th I had the chance to make a difference by
traveling to New York City to film an interview with the television show,
“Inside Edition” that will hopefully air sometime in the near future.
I definitely had mixed feelings about this rare opportunity
to speak out in such a grand scale. This
national, television interview came at the expense of 26 innocent lives, but it
is important to make sense of tragedies by trying to make something good come
out of the anguish. Sometimes we must
laugh as hard as it may be. “Humor is
the nectar that we squeeze out of our profound anguish.” I took the train into New York City with fear
of saying the wrong things, but wanted to focus on the reality that the gunman
is a freakish anomaly and not a representative of anyone in the autism
community.
The interviewer was a young woman named, Emily, only one
year older than myself. She made me feel
at ease even as I sat in a chair with blinding lights. The setting was more like an interrogation
room in one of those crime movies and not the fake living room of the Today
Show, but my words flowed with surprising ease because of her kindness. Emily asked whether there is any link between
Asperger’s syndrome and acts of violence.
I gave her my best answer.
When a person loses both their parents…they are known as
orphans. When a person loses a
spouse…they are described as widows.
There is no existing word for when someone loses a child because it is
just too damn painful! Perhaps this will
change and those who have survived the death of children will be called,
“newtowns.” They should have this legacy
because they are surviving this tragedy with dignity and are not displacing any
anger on my unique peers. The legacy of
the heroic children will hopefully live forever as the legacy of the gunman
dies soon…
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