Excessive List of New Year’s Resolutions for 2012

Wow!  I am off to a good start with regards to my New Year’s Resolutions!  I say this with absolute and utter sarcasm because this list of New Year’s Resolutions was supposed to have been posted on New Year’s Day.  It is now Friday, January 13^th, 2012! 

Therefore, I am already failing at the first item on my list that states, “Will Complete Tasks in a More Diligent Fashion as Though it were a Mental Hot Potato.

Here is my list and hopefully you will keep your Resolutions especially if you also live with the challenges created by the autism spectrum.  But everybody…with or without autism…can always benefit from self-improvement!

1.    WILL COMPLETE TASKS IN A MORE DILIGENT FASHION AS THOUGH IT WERE A MENTAL HOT POTATO.

2.    WILL SHRED OLD CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS IMMEDIATELY INSTEAD OF LETTING THE CLUTTER PILE UP IN THE FAMILY DEN.

3.    I INTEND TO START MY SEQUEL FOR “ATYPICAL: LIFE WITH ASPERGER’S IN 20 1/3 CHAPTERS” THIS MONTH (JANUARY) AND WILL DEVOTE ALL OF 2012 TOWARD ITS COMPLETION.  ITS TENTATIVE TITLE IS “TRANSITIONING TO SUCCESS.”

4.  I WILL TRY TO GIVE FANS OF MY BOOK THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE BY WRITING THEM BACK AS RAPIDLY AS POSSIBLE BEFORE THEIR LETTER LANGUISHES ON THE PROVERBIAL, TO-DO PILE.

5.    AS THE ADDAMS FAMILY WOULD SAY, “WEIRD IS RELATIVE.”  I’LL CONTINUE TO EXAGGERATE MY FLAMBOYANT ECCENTRICITIES, BUT FIND BETTER WAYS TO JUSTIFY IT BY PERFORMING MORE ODD, BUT BENEVOLENT, TASKS LIKE MAILING OUT BIRTHDAY CARDS TO OBSCURE ACQUAINTANCES OR RETURNING EMPTY GARBAGE CANS TO THE FRONT OF HOUSES ON GARBAGE DAY!

6.    FOR THE SAKE OF MY HEALTH, I NEED TO UTILIZE THAT GYM MEMBERSHIP AND STOP STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO WRITE E-MAILS AND EATING ALL NIGHT LONG, TOO.  AND WATCHING TV ALL NIGHT LONG WHILE WRITING E-MAILS TO JUSTIFY THE EXCESSIVE TIME IN FRONT OF THE BOOB TUBE.

7.    I AM GOING TO BE THIRTY YEARS OLD IN THREE SHORT MONTHS AND IT IS TIME TO BEGIN APARTMENT HUNTING AS WELL AS FINDING SOME WAY TO EARN MONEY TO SUPPORT AN INDEPENDENT LIFESTYLE.

8.    WILL STOP FLATULATING IN PUBLIC IN HOPES THAT NOBODY WILL NOTICE OR IT WILL BE SILENT AND NOT DEADLY.

9.    THE ASPERGER’S POPULATION IS NOT GOING TO SURVIVE UNLESS SOCIETY STARTS TO MEET THEM HALFWAY.  I MUST WORK HARDER TO GIVE MY INCREDIBLE PEERS SOMETHING PROFOUND TO FIGHT FOR IN LIFE.  IF THEY START TO MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO CURTAIL THEIR EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, I WILL FIND SOME WAY FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE NOTICE AND GIVE THEM THE BREAK THEY DESERVE.

10.   I’M GOING TO STOP POURING ALL MY TIME AND MONEY IN CRACKPOT STUNTS LIKE SKYDIVING UNTIL I START WRITING MY SECOND BOOK AND FIND A WAY TO SUPPORT MYSELF FINANCIALLY WITHOUT CONSTANTLY RELYING ON MY PARENTAL SLUNITS.  I MEAN…UNITS!

11.  THE SMALL CAT NAMED, JIMMY, NEEDS A LOT MORE ATTENTION OTHER THAN THE TIMES I YELL AT HIM FOR EATING MY PAPERS ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE.

12.  I HAVE TO LEARN TO RELY ON NATURAL SLEEP TO MAINTAIN MY ENERGY INSTEAD OF REB BULLS, COFFEE, AND MORE COFFEE.  I THINK IT WAS THOMAS EDISON WHO NEVER SLEPT BECAUSE HE SAW THIS PHYSIOLOGICAL NECESSESSITY AS “A WASTE OF TIME.”  BUT PERHAPS THIS IS SILLY EVEN IF EDISON WAS A GENIUS.

13. I AM GOING TO START MY CHRISTMAS CARDS IN MAY AT THE ABSOLUTE LATEST TO GIVE MYSELF MORE OF A CHANCE THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF NURSING THE REGRETS OF ONLY REACHING A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE LIKE LAST YEAR AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT!

14.  I WILL CHECK FOR TYPOS IN ALL BLOG ENTRIES AND E-MAILS MORE DILIGENTLY.  OR I WILL PUT MYSELF AT THE UTTER MERCY OF THE DEDICATED PUBLIC TO IDENTIFY ROGUE TYPOS (A.K.A. COCKROACHES) AND BRING THEM TO MY ATTENTION.

15.  I SHALL CLEAN THE CAT’S LITTER BOX MORE DILIGENTLY AND CHANGE HIS STAGNANT WATER WHEN IT GETS TO THAT SPECIFIC LEVEL OF SHALLOWNESS.

16.  I WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE “TO-DO LISTS” BUT WILL FOCUS ON AT LEAST SOME OF THE PRIORITIES INSTEAD OF THE BUSY WORK THAT GIVES ME THE ILLUSION OF GETTING THINGS DONE DURING THE DAY.  (LIKE OPERATING THE PAPER SHREDDER AND TAPING UP BOXES WITH THE SHREDDINGS.)

17.  I DO NOT BELIEVE IN “LETTING GO” AND WILL HOLD ONTO DEAR LIFE TO EVERYTHING.  BUT I WILL LEARN TO LET GO WHEN THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER AND ALL OTHER OPTIONS HAVE BEEN EXHAUSTED.  BUT NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE TIME, I WILL ALWAYS PURSUE COMPROMISE, INCREMENTAL “BACKING OFF,” AND PUTTING SOMETHING ON A BACKBURNER.

18.  NOTHING FILLS ME WITH EXCITEMENT MORE THAN BLACKJACK.  ON THE OTHER HAND, I WILL NOT RELINGUISH CASH TO THE GAMBLING MECCAS UNTIL I ACTUALLY HAVE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO LOSE.  OR I WILL ONLY GAMBLE TWICE A YEAR.  ALRIGHT.  I WILL ALWAYS STOP AFTER LOSING ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS AT THE FIVE DOLLAR-A-HAND TABLE.

19.  SOMETIMES IT IS NECESSARY TO TAKE A SMALL STEP BACKWARDS BEFORE HAVING THE STRENGTH TO TAKE A MUCH LARGER STEP FORWARDS.  WITH THIS IN MIND, I INTEND TO TRY AND RETURN TO THE SCHOOL DISTRICTS THAT FIRED ME FROM SUBSTITUTE TEACHING IN 2006.  I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THEM GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE AND OVERCOME THEIR DISCOMFORT ABOUT THE ASPERGER’S SYNDROME.  AFTER SIX YEARS, I HAVE BEEN PUTTING IT ON A BACKBURNER LONG ENOUGH.  I COULD ALSO USE THE EXTRA CASH FOR MY DOOMED ONLINE DATES. 

20.  WILL WORK FIVE TIMES AS HARD THROUGHOUT ALL OF 2012 TO LET SOCIETY KNOW THERE ARE PROFOUND GIFTS ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE INDIVIDUALS ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM AND THEY MAY ONLY FLOURISH WITH A FIGHTING CHANCE!

PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIND ANY TYPOS SO I MAY CORRECT THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!  I AM VERY LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH DEDICATED SUPPORT AND FANS OF MY EFFORTS!  LET’S ALL TRY TO DO BETTER IN 2012!

An Unusual Start to a New Year!

This New Year’s Eve was quite memorable for me.  In fact, it was the first year my plans were not completely lame or totally revolving around family.  I ended up hanging out with my best friend *Justin*!  Our lives have taken us on different directions, but we have sustained those bonds of friendship even after we stopped having too much in common.  Actually, I renounce that last sentence.  We have A LOT in common beneath the superficial differences.  We appreciate each other’s struggles and the symbiosis from those days of yore.

Justin set me up on my first blind date when I was far too shy to even talk to a woman.  He also asked a beautiful woman out to the junior prom on my behalf.  (She said yes and actually showed up during a time when a woman seemed more likely to jump out a two story window than stand there to accept my invitation.)  Justin was never meant to go to college, but had the intellectual prowess to see my abilities when so-called “intelligent” individuals failed to show the same mercy.  I would like to believe this courtesy was returned with favors, such as advocating to his girlfriend’s family after she unsymbolically dumped him (a well-meaning attempt that promptly resulted in an angry phone call from the young woman’s father and the threat of legal action.)  Without a doubt, I was excited when he called to announce an unexpected visit for New Year’s Eve and Day.

Our adventures took us to a restaurant called, “The PC Paddock.”  It is that rare place where everybody knows your name and I am exonerated from draconian consequences if I dare to say something really weird once in a blue moon.  I brought a blind date who also had Asperger’s in an attempt to finally heed my friend’s advice of pursuing other young women with the same condition.  But it did not take long to realize we were not the best match considering I don’t smoke pot on a regular basis.  (Please note this does not make me better than her.  Just different with dissimilar interests.)

We took the party over to a sklozy, (I mean…cozy) nook of a bar across from Vassar College.  The place was inundated with plenty of my high school peers who did not display malice, but at the same time never really accepted me during most of my childhood.  But I was accepted that night as all of us belted out Karaoke tunes regardless of any innate singing talent.  The night for me was particularly poignant because I do not believe in letting go…ever!  The act of letting go is perhaps the Practice of the Devil…

Over the years, I have learned to overcome the worst of my Asperger’s syndrome by putting issues on a backburner, compromising, and “backing off.”  But letting go has always been an elusive thing and I do not believe in it.  It took at least a few years to get to the point of “putting things on a backburner” as far as high school is concerned.  There were other peers who were unable to let go of their high school nostalgia shortly after graduating and even visited their old teachers from time to time.  But I attempted to prolong the dance far longer than anyone else.  College did not immediately embrace me with acceptance so it made sense to go backwards.  Sometimes it IS necessary to take a micro-step backwards before we can even think about taking a much larger step forwards.  I felt like acceptance has finally been granted amongst the majority of my high school peers and closure has finally arrived.

Our night ended in the most ordinary and banal of ways.  We sat in my house the last half-hour of 2011 consuming beers and watching Dick Clark host his 40th show.  In our relentlessly-changing, youth-obsessed culture…it is refreshing whenever there are some celebrities who may not have Asperger’s, but display the AS trait of refusing to stop even when some composite doofuses in the public are encouraging them to sit down.  And finally, let 2012 show more mercy for the Asperger’s population and all those affected by abuse!