I look down at my protruding
stomach and wonder what has become of me?
How did I reach this level of physical decay and when did it begin? It could have been the months I spent
sitting at my computer answering an endless succession of e-mails. Naturally, I had to sustain my energy
via energy beverages and caffeine.
Stimulants only stimulate more lethargy and not metabolism. Red Bulls are the veritable kiss of
death. I should have just mixed
water with copious amounts of sugar and it would have had the same detrimental
effect.
When I do lose the weight…I plan
to treat every subsequent day like I’m trapped in a mine very slowly filling
with toxic gas. It will kill me,
but not for a long time. There
will be no dead canary to give fair warning, too. I will just look in the mirror and realize it has
happened. The tenacious cycle of
trying to take it off again will begin.
Even when I succeed with my goal there will be no end. We lose weight with the ridiculous
illusion that it is gone forever.
I have increased my suffering by
constantly raging against reality and preferring to be a square peg that grinds
its way into a round hole. If I do
not belong someplace then I want to belong even more. Perhaps this is why I have always done so well with
endeavors like, “The Appalachian Trail.”
As brutal as such tasks may have been, I was always guaranteed success
as long as I never gave up. It is
nice to have something profound to fight for and something that will guarantee
more self-respect. Respect for
myself and perhaps from the public.
The reason I take on these
challenges is partially out of desperation for acceptance in the neurotypical
world. Others need to see the
efforts of individuals with Asperger’s syndrome and delegate mercy when mercy
is due. In reality, I am painfully
aware that I do not often have control over whether someone shows tolerance
and/or gives me a chance. As long
as someone’s actions are not illegal…they have the liberty to treat me with
blind contempt. But I will
exercise and make an effort to take care of myself. This will guarantee success and physiology will show me the
compassion that does not always come from other people.
I will try to lose the weight by
the start of summer and emerge when the beautiful weather is still in its
infancy. I need to hear those
compliments once again. “You look
good…you look good.” I
remember what happened when I did lose about fifteen pounds. For the first time in about four years
I had my first online date who was actually interested in spending time with me
after the first outing. Effort
always makes a difference and will buffer some of the realities those with Asperger’s
will face in an often-unfair world.
This is why individuals with
Asperger syndrome excel in unlikely venues. They have control over their tenacious persistence and will
push their limits. I hope they will
understand that punctuality, integrity, and honesty do make a difference in
whether they are given a chance by the public. It is even more important, however, to show themselves mercy
when the rejection is out of their control. Especially when it is coming from the incurably ignorant.
I now weigh at least two hundred
pounds…AGAIN! My weight hit that
milestone a few years ago and my maternal grandmother witnessed this travesty
when she saw me in a bathing suit in Delray Beach, Florida. Her aghast mouth dropped open, but she
did say I would lose it with the same determination I used to complete the
Appalachian Trail as well as other endeavors.
Let us embrace the harbingers of
this beautiful weather and celebrate the reality that this unusually-brutal
winter in finally in the past.
Celebrate the pursuit of your own goals and know that the moment you
start something is when you start to become successful at it!!
