I am up until midnight pacing
nonstop. It is not just because of nervousness. I had the “brilliant idea” to
sleep for about six hours in the evening hoping this would force me awake
around one a.m. to prepare for my speech the rest of the night. As I lay
wide-awake I realize how disastrous the plan actually was. For one thing, I
only slept for three hours and then could not fall back to sleep. But tomorrow
will be different and there just does not seem to be enough time to prepare.
At this point in my career I am
essentially on “public oration autopilot.” I tell exactly the same jokes and
anecdotes because ninety-nine percent of the audience is brand new. The
material is always fresh and when it ain’t broke…you do not fix it. Tomorrow
morning I will be talking about a subject that has continuously devastated my
life, but am at a loss for the most eloquent words to convey the message to a
middle school audience.
Tomorrow morning at eight a.m. I
shall be giving an anti-bullying presentation to my old middle school packed
with ghosts from the past. I’ll see different faces, but some of the same malicious
souls inhabiting these shells. For someone on the autism spectrum, middle
school is a veritable House of Horrors. They try to survive with a disability
so mild it just makes them seem like a “Super Geek” who is pleading for
torment. Perhaps there were times when I used inappropriate behavior to
exacerbate the bullying just because the other alternative was to be completely
ignored. There is “no form of communication that cries out with more agony than
silence.”
I continue to type while
watching YouTube at the same time. YouTube and DVDs helped me write my book,
but slows the creative muses….I mean, juices, down. It just makes it possible
to get started when you don’t want to work if you associate the strife with
authentic entertainment. (Right now, as I compose this blog entry I am watching
Eric Cartman perform his German dance in the old South Park Movie Trailer).
I have always been a huge fan of
nostalgia, which is probably why YouTube appeals to me. Most obscure emblems
from my childhood can be accessed at a moment’s notice. I’m also a huge fan of
nostalgia, which is not traditionally nostalgia. It is also important to
occasionally resurrect pain especially if there is a chance to stop it for
others.
Tomorrow I will tell the young
audience about what bullying has done to my life. I will let them know there is
a huge difference between teasing and downright bullying. There was not much
happiness at Arlington Middle School and I hope they will leave with more
pleasant memories. I’ll let them know that bullying did not get much better as
an adult and just took a different form. Oppression does not necessarily have
to entail someone beating the living #$*@! out of a victim just because they
are vulnerable and/or different.
I am expecting a lot (maybe too
much) from hundreds of middle schoolers at eight o’clock in the morning the
last day before Thanksgiving vacation. But I have faith these faces will be
different and they will know better this time…. I also do not believe in
letting anything go and this is yet another opportunity to justify my beliefs.
