A child lacks the ability to
create a sense of self. Who they
are is literally the product of what their parents, teachers, and peers say
they are. As a result, there are
plenty of young people and even adults walking around soulless – without a
semblance of self-esteem. I try to
give presentations to groups of young people with AS and give them the
knowledge that was often denied to me as a child. No matter who you are or what you accomplish, there will
always be individuals that want nothing to do with you. It still happens to me once in a while
even as a local celebrity with a plethora of personal and professional
accomplishments.
Sometimes the rejections will be
a consequence of the inappropriate behavior associated with AS. Other times it will be because the
other guy is a complete moron incapable of appreciating such uniqueness. My father has this expression, “You can
never reason or win an argument with someone who is a moron.” As you get older, it will hopefully be
easier to understand the difference.
In order to assuage some of my own bitterness, I remind myself that my
much younger peers have more of a fighting chance. They are not marinating in the lies that robbed me of
confidence. “What are you doing to
bring this on yourself?” “Maybe if
you stopped acting so weird people would actually like you.” “It is your own fault you do not have
many friends.” I’m now getting
used to traveling to New York City and seeing total strangers holding out their
books for me to autograph. I am
the extremely rare individual with high-functioning autism who has had the
experience of being judged a celebrity as opposed to the usual sociopath. But hopefully the young people I mentor
will not have to write a book in order to gain a fraction of the respect that
my life has been blessed with these days.
And it is not just individuals with autism who battle such strife.
I recently had the privilege of
giving a presentation at a local middle school for students and faculty. One of the female teachers was a
strikingly beautiful thirty or forty-something year old woman. (I would later remark that it was the
most awkward presentation of my career so far. It was imperative to deliver the presentation while
pretending a beautiful woman was not sitting a few feet away. A few years ago I probably would have
said something obnoxious or stared.)
Fortunately, she paid for my
book with a check that contained her home address. I sent her a letter knowing there would be a slight chance
she would find the gesture intensely creepy as others have in the past. It took nearly thirty years before I
realized that many of the people who would come to that conclusion would also
find something else wrong. Then I
would try to placate them by struggling to get to point D. Then they would be unhappy that I was
not at point G. And so forth. Ultimately, I would drive myself crazy
and please absolutely nobody in the process. “Back off until you have backed off the face of the
earth. And let go of everything
that makes you incredible until there is nothing left to hold onto.”
I recently had the privilege of
having lunch with this particular woman and she even opened up about her
personal life. Like individuals
with AS…her self-esteem had also been marred by romantic rejection and
frustration. I’m still wondering
how the long-lost older sister of Jennifer Love Hewitt does not understand just
how incredible she truly is. It
just seemed like many of my genuine compliments replenished a void that should
not have existed in the first place.
I think one of the reasons my book has struck such a chord with the
mainstream population is because regular individuals can relate to its
themes. There are so many
beautiful and talented people walking around who are quasi-blind to how
incredible they are as well as what they have contributed to others. It does not matter if it is a real-life
doppelganger from Desperate Housewives or a middle school child with Asperger’s
syndrome. Our failures and
rejections will turn into psychological machetes amputating the reality that we
have something to offer. We start
to become dead inside unless we seek out those elusive people who can see our
beauty. Regardless of whether I
see this incredible woman again…I hope I reminded her how beautiful she truly
is and succeeded in repaying the favor.
But during those droughts of time when such feedback is obsolete, it is
more critical to look into the mirror and give to ourselves what is not going
to always come from someone else.
With or without a social disability…
